I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do?
- Ronnie Shakes

If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.
- Bill Vaughan

I think I'm having a heart attack! It must be from all the pretzels and pug torture.
-John Horton

Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away if your car could go straight upwards.
- Fred Hoyle

I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.
- Mark Twain

There is no abstract art. You must always start with something. Afterward you can remove all traces of reality.
- Pablo Picasso

Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try.
- Fran Lebowitz

I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy.
- J. D. Salinger

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
- Lily Tomlin

Grown-ups never understand anything for themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them.
- Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Two people kissing always look like fish.
-Andy Warhol

I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell my children that, they just about throw up.
-Barbara Bush

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
- John Lehman

I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
- Robert McCloskey

There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.
- Sir Francis Bacon

Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.
- James Russell Lowell

I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.
- Mark Twain

Confusion is always the most honest response.
- Marty Indik

You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.
- Olin Miller

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.
- Mitch Hedberg

I'm not going to be held hostage by some lousy guava cake.
-Daddy

When everyone is somebody, then no one's anybody.
- W. S. Gilbert

Lisa Simpson: But I'm so angry.
Marge Simpson: You're a woman. You can hold on to it forever.

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
- Robert Benchley

A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can't help himself.
- Henry Morgan

Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh.
- WH Auden

Art is science made clear.
- Jean Cocteau

People who have no weaknesses are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them.
- Anatole France

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
Mark Twain

There is no feeling, except the extremes of fear and grief, that does not find relief in music.
-George Eliot

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
- Steven Wright

He may be mad, but there's method in his madness. There nearly always is method in madness. It's what drives men mad, being methodical.
- GK Chesterton

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
-Unknown

Why shouldn't things be largely absurd, futile, and transitory? They are so, and we are so, and they and we go very well together.
- George Santayana

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
- Rick Cook

Johnny Rotten

“There's nothing glorious in dying. Anyone can do it.”

“You'll get one number and one number only, 'cause I'm a lazy bastard!”

“Let's just say that if Malcolm breathes, it's too much for me to stomach.”

"Ever get the feeling you've been cheated?”

“They take your soul away. They take your brains away. They don't let you have an opinion that's different from theirs. You've got to think what they tell you to think. So when you leave school, your only future is getting married. And by the time you're about 29 you got two kids, and you just wanna commit suicide.”

"See the fine, upstanding, young men Britain is chucking out these days.”

"You don't need permission fer anyfing."

"I'm not here for your amusement. You're here for mine."

War is a way of shattering to pieces, or pouring into the stratosphere, or sinking in the depths of the sea, materials which might otherwise be used to make the masses too comfortable, and hence, in the long run, too intelligent.

George Orwell, 1984

If both the past and the external world exist only in the mind, and if the mind itself is controllable – what then?

George Orwell, 1984

All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others.

George Orwell, (Animal Farm)

It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen.

George Orwell, (1984, first sentence)

Life's greatest happiness is to be convinced we are loved.

Victor Hugo (Les Miserables)

We don't always get to choose what we love.

Scott Westerfeld

Could you imagine how horrible things would be if we always told others how we felt? Life would be intolerably bearable.

Randy K. Milholland

On the whole human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not quite all the time.
- George Orwell

I wonder what it means when your grandson is more crotchety than you are.
- Aaron McGruder

Love is everything it's cracked up to be…It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for.

Erica Jong,

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
- Johnny Carson

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together....
- Carl Zwanzig

Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.
- Paul Gauguin

Here's a poem I really really like, it's called "The Hollow Men" by T.S. Eliot. It's awesome, I can't stop reading it!

Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
- Rita Rudner

Sid Vicious quotes

You just pick up a chord, go twang, and you're got music.

You can't arrest me, I'm a rockstar.

We're really quite nice and friendly, but everyone has a beastly side to them, don't they?

We are better than anyone, ain't we? Except for the Eagles, the Eagles are better than us.

Undermine their pompous authority, reject their moral standards, make anarchy and disorder your trademarks. Cause as much chaos and disruption as possible but don't let them take you ALIVE.

I've only been in love with a beer bottle and a mirror.

I'm not vicious really. I consider myself to be kindhearted. I love my mum.

I'm not chic, I could never be chic.

I'll die before I'm 25, and when I do I'll have lived the way I wanted to.

Do what you don't know how to do.

I got this feeling I'm gonna die before I get old. I don't know why. I just have this feeling.

Ahhh. A man with a sharp wit. Someone ought to take it away from him before he cuts himself.
- Peter da Silva

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
- Ellen DeGeneres

Would those of you in the cheaper seats clap your hands? And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.
- John Lennon

Careful. We don't want to learn from this.
- Bill Watterson

I have read your book and much like it.
- Moses Hadas

If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?
- Laurence J. Peter

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
- Emo Phillips

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face .... turned me over and said. Look ... twins!
- Rodney Dangerfield

Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well.
- Samuel Butler

Having your book turned into a movie is like seeing your oxen turned into bouillon cubes. ~John -LeCarre

Assert your right to make a few mistakes. If people can't accept your imperfections, that's their fault.

-Dr. David M. Burns

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.

-Scott Adams

Some of the worst mistakes of my life have been haircuts.

-Jim Morrison

We learn something every day, and lots of times it's that what we learned the day before was wrong.
- Bill Vaughan

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
- Mitch Hedberg

I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level.
- Dana Carvey

Never knock on Death's door: ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that!
- Matt Frewer

Life is like a thrift store puzzle.
It's crappy and you never have everything you need.
-John Horton

A satirist is a man who discovers unpleasant things about himself and then says them about other people.
- Peter McArthur

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams

All charming people have something to conceal, usually their total dependence on the appreciation of others.
- Cyril Connolly

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

-Rodney Dangerfield

A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to.

-Granville Hicks

I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

-Ronald Reagan

Anybody caught selling macrame in public should be dyed a natural color and hung out to dry.
- Calvin Trillin

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
- James Branch Cabell

There are grammatical errors even in his silence.
- Stanislaw J. Lec

The great enemy of clear language is insincerity. When there is a gap between one's real and one's declared aims, one turns as it were instinctively to long words and exhausted idioms, like a cuttlefish spurting out ink.
- George Orwell

This morning I hid my neighbors news paper.
It was anarchy.
*-)
-Jet Diamond

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.

-Rita Mae Brown

These are some quotes from the book, The Book Thief by Markus Zusak.


"I am haunted by humans."
-Death

"He does something to me, that boy. Every time. It's his only detriment. He steps on my heart. He makes me cry."
-Death

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.
-Dan Rather

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
-Thomas Jones

"Mayor McCheese.......that is a good name."
-some gay dude from Halo live

The purpose of life is to fight maturity.
-Dick Werthimer

from Hamlet (by William Shakespeare)

I just learned in English class that this was about suicide....it makes so much more sense now.

_________________________________________________________

To be or not to be, that is the question;
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing, end them. To die, to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to — 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep, perchance to dream. Ay, there's the rub,
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause. There's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life,
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
Th'oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of th'unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovered country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.

Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.
-Mark Twain

There are painters who transform the sun to a yellow spot, but there are others who with the help of their art and their intelligence, transform a yellow spot into the sun.
-Pablo Picasso

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
-Oscar Levant