I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.
- Mitch Hedberg

I'm not going to be held hostage by some lousy guava cake.
-Daddy

When everyone is somebody, then no one's anybody.
- W. S. Gilbert

Lisa Simpson: But I'm so angry.
Marge Simpson: You're a woman. You can hold on to it forever.

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
- Robert Benchley

A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can't help himself.
- Henry Morgan