A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.
-Burt Bacharach


You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
-George Burns


A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.
-Demetri Martin

Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.
-Demetri Martin

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.
-Demetri Martin


"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
- Britney Spears


"We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out."
- Decca Records Rejecting the Beatles, in 1962


"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
- George Gobel